demonsaya

So, I'll be blacked out for a minute, getting my gears changed so I can start working on Part 2 of Running With The Wolves, Bad Moon Rising. Because the tone of that is going to be very different from A Convenient Arrangement, I need a bit of a mental reset, first.

I'll be back, soon, hopefully with the first chapter of BMR in the next week or so. Thanks for sticking with me.

Okay. So, I'm going to talk mental health stuff for a minute. Not sure I've discussed this on here, before, so bear with me. As a note, this isn't a cry for help or sympathy. It's what I call it in the title, a public service announcement.

I suffer from a long term form of mild depression called dysthymia. It's categorized by the duration and by having major depressive episodes. I've had this condition since I was eight years old. It's never gone away, and it never will. I joke that I'm so extra that I couldn't have regular depression, I had to have "double depression".

Thing is, I hit a major depressive episode, yesterday. It's been building for awhile, and I've been doing my best to keep myself distracted and from falling into it (Hence the surge in my writing). The reasoning is simple. Due to a perfect storm of 2020 bullshit, I ran out of my medication that helps manage it. Yes, I realize that doctors are still filling prescriptions, hence the perfect storm of bullshit.

First, back in August of last year, my previous insurance expired. We went through backflips trying to get the new insurance set up, and then the insurance we had was absorbed into another program, changing it again. We only just got the newest cards in April. Yes, during the pandemic.

Second, we MOVED at the end of last year, so the doctors we'd had before? Are now a 45 minute drive away, and outside of our area. So, we've had to be assigned new doctors, which means going through the whole assed intake process a second time. During a pandemic. In New York State (i.e. - initial U.S. major outbreak area). For several months, the doctors weren't seeing ANYONE in their offices if it wasn't an emergency. With good reason, and I don't blame them for this.

Finally, I've been an essential employee for all of this nonsense, not because I was needed, but because my employer didn't want to pay me for unemployment (which would have given me around 400$ extra per week compared to my regular pay). I work Monday through Friday, and if I miss a day, I don't get paid my piss poor wage. Since I was the only adult employed in my house thru the end of May, it's been really important that I -do- keep working. The only reason we aren't homeless right now, is because when our tax return came in, we went ahead and paid through to the end of our lease. Which is up in about 2 months.

So. *gestures up* Perfect storm of bullshit. There's more that I'm probably not thinking about right now. I'm also terrified to go bloody anywhere, because I am one of that small percentage of people who will probably die from COVID-19 (yay, left side kidney atrophy).

The thing is, my depression has never been the sort that leads to self-harm or implosion or crying for hours. My depression has always been explosive, outwardly harmful, screaming at people I care about. That's the nightmare my family is living with, right now. I know I've started getting bad. I'm not under control, right now. I'm trying very hard to remain as level as I can, but little things have started making me snap. When I get to this point, it's hard to do anything except stuff I know is bad for my brain (like doomscrolling).

Yes, I'm calling my doctor on Monday and seeing if I can get a same day appointment (even if it means losing pay). At this point, I don't have a choice. I know I'm not okay.

If I go dark for the next few days, please don't worry. I've never been a self-harm risk, like I said, I harm outwardly (not with physical punishment, emotionally lashing out). I'll see you all on the other side of this battle. I've been through worse, so I know I'll come through this. I just needed to let some of this out.

Those of you waiting on Chapter 10 of A Convenient Arrangement, I'm working on the edits, now. I'll try to have it up and ready in a day or two. I know I'll be easing back onto my medication, soon, which may mean a lapse in my creative surge. I'll try to maintain what I've got going, regardless.

I love you guys. Thanks for sticking with me.

I've been absent for a minute (and I know it). There's a lot of reasons for that. Among them is the fact that I've been working (hard to do work and then come home and be creative). I've also been fandom hopping a fair bit (as is evidenced by my changing fanarts, here).

Probably the biggest change, lately, however is that we've moved from Alaska where I'd been for almost 10 years, back down to the lower 48 states (NY to be specific). I'm now working part time, as well as practicing my traditional art in preparation for finding a tattoo art apprenticeship.

Say what now?

Yeah. Count on a flood of design work, probably over the next few weeks. There's a LOT of it (about 2 years worth of varying skill levels). After being out of art and writing for so long, it's been a bit of a process to get back into it (a lot of muscle memory training, etc).

I am almost finished with the first draft of Whisper, Darkly's sequel (which, some of you may remember was pulled back in 2016 when I made it an official novel). Whisper is still available on Kindle, for $0.99, if anyone is interested. I hope to have Shudder finished by this winter (I mean including edits and final drafts, the first draft is hella rough).

Dangers Untold is my newest Labyrinth fanfic, care of Shower Thoughts (TM) asking me some mean questions. It's not being beta edited, so any mistakes are on me. Pointing them out will not cause offense, I'll get them fixed as I'm able. It's currently 10 chapters long (planned).

I am open for commissions, on a case by case basis. I'm willing to work with people on pricing, and payments. I'm not doing gift art, any longer unless it's something I'm personally interested in, already. Every piece I do that's serious is part of my portfolio, so I'm calculating costs of physical prints and shipping fees. I'll probably do a large page of my tattoo art designs (some will be black and white, others will be full color renders like my Gay Wrathicorn, posted yesterday).

Glad to be back, and thanks for waiting/welcoming me back.

Love all of you